Which Blocks Can You Use? (Self-Compassion 101)
A friend recently told me about how her preschooler's teachers noticed he was spending a little more time playing by himself than with the other kids, so they suggested some words he could use to help break the ice in approaching them.
Instead of "Can I play with you?" they suggested he ask, "Which blocks can I use?"
Planting the seeds that of course he's included and include-able.
This struck me so powerfully.
What if all of us human beings were conditioned from the get-go to operate from the assumption that Of course I'm worthy of being included rather than from the fear that we're somehow defective and fundamentally separate?
Suffice it to say, most of us weren't taught those core self-supporting skills as early (if ever) as this lucky little guy is getting to learn them. I know this from both firsthand experience and in what I hear from my coaching clients every day.
But it's never too late to start cultivating a new level of kindness toward ourselves.
Self-compassion practice is where we can begin.
Self-compassion is about:
Settling into the Truth that you're worthy of love and acceptance simply because you exist.
Recognizing that your worth isn't contingent upon how smart or funny or successful or thin you are.
Acknowledging that life is imperfect, and that so are we, and so is everyone else on the planet...and that that's OK.
Getting cozy with the reality that we're all just figuring this being human thing out as we go, doing the best we can with the tools we've got.
But the concept of self-compassion can feel silly or selfish to a lot of us at first given our deeply entrenched "Be better, do more" conditioning.
Or maybe you feel like you "should" be nicer to yourself, but starting to actually do that feels pretty much impossible after decades of the habit of beating yourself up as an (exhausting) self-motivational tactic.
Or maybe you reject the idea of being gentler with yourself out of hand for fear it'll turn you into an unambitious, apathetic sloth. ("If I stop being hard on myself, I'll never get anything done!")
Self-compassion is, at its core, simply about cultivating more friendliness toward ourselves.
A general attitude of wishing yourself well when you're struggling.
A habit of acknowledging that it's hard to feel hurt or stuck and reminding yourself that it's OK that you feel those things and that everyone else on the planet does sometimes too.
An intention to be as generous and forgiving with yourself as you would be with someone you care about.
A commitment to giving yourself what you need as best you're able right now rather than sitting around waiting and wishing for some magic wand to come drop it in your lap.
But with our Inner Critic-driven minds telling us that self-compassion would make us complacent and unproductive, what makes self-compassion actually worth the effort?
When you're no longer secretly worried that you’re an unloveable mess who needs to prove their worth all day long, you'll become more fearless, more bold.
Mounting research is showing self-compassion to be linked to less fear of failure, which means more willingness to go for what you really want in your life.
Once you treat yourself with a base level of respect and kindness, you'll actually be able to get more done in your life when you decide to, not less, like the "logical" mind will try to convince you.
Research shows self-compassion linked to higher levels of productivity, higher personal standards and more sustainable motivation.
You'll become more likely to take steps to help yourself be happy and healthy — aka more inclined to stop procrastinating on things that are important to you, follow through on your creative impulses, hold kind but healthy boundaries in your relationships, finally make those nourishing food choices, let yourself get the rest you need, etc.
You'll stop feeling so guilty all the time.
Once you start to trust that you're fundamentally OK, you're not gonna sweat the small stuff, or take it so personally, so much anymore.
You'll have all the energy you used to put toward beating yourself up available to put toward what you really want.
The habit of criticizing and blaming other people will dissipate as that impulse fades toward yourself, too.
You'll feel happier, more relaxed, and more connected because of the oxytocin self-compassion increases the flow of through your bloodstream.
As you clear out the excess pressure self-judgment has been placing on you, the channels get clearer for abundance and joy to flow through more effortlessly in your life.
Life just feels so much easier and more enjoyable once our new baseline is one of basic friendliness toward ourselves.
If that all sounds worth giving a little more self-compassion a shot, here's a process to help grow your self-compassion muscle with the help of the acronym "PATS":
PAUSE.
We can't extend ourself the loving attention we need when we're moving too fast to notice we need it. As soon as you notice your Inner Critic ratcheting up, pause and take a few breaths.
ACKNOWLEDGE the suffering you're experiencing.
Compassion is about turning toward the experience of suffering with the intention of soothing that suffering. But we can't help alleviate what's hurting until we clearly see and feel what's hurting. So tune in to the felt experience of this moment of suffering.
Where do you notice this "ouch" most in your body?
What size or shape or texture or temperature do you notice about it?
Also take a moment to acknowledge: "This is a moment of suffering, and everyone suffers sometimes." Remind yourself that this is normal human stuff, and you're in the company of every human that's ever walked the planet in experiencing struggle.
TOUCH.
Now bring in some gesture of comforting physical touch. This might be placing one or both hands over the heart, gently caressing your cheek, or giving your shoulders a little hug. (Gentle touch flips on the compassion response in the brain, triggering "tend and befriend" hormones like Oxytocin.)
SOOTHE & SUPPORT.
Now we'll bring in some words of support (gentle verbalization is the second universal physiological compassion response trigger). Repeat gently to yourself one of the following phrases, or one that feels even more soothing to you. Tack on a term of endearment like "honey" or "sweetheart" if that feels right:
"It's OK."
"I'm here with you."
"I've got your back."
“You can handle this."
If you're feeling stuck finding comforting words to extend yourself, bring to mind a good friend. Imagine what they would tell you in this moment where you're really struggling and let yourself receive those supportive words.
Once you've moved through the PATS process, just let yourself be for a few breaths, soaking in the effects of these caring gestures and words.
*One important note here: If you notice some resistance or agitation coming up as you try to extend some kindness to yourself, that's completely normal. Just play with getting in the practice of turning toward your own moments of struggle and extending even just a tiny bit more self-friendliness.
These practices are cumulative, so there's no need to force anything. Just keep planting those seeds of kindness and trust that over time they'll bear juicy fruits.
You have Self-nurturing building blocks at your fingertips. Mindfulness and self-compassion are two powerful ones. All you have to do is decide to pick them up and start playing and building with them.
And once you start to get on truly friendly terms with yourself, all sorts of goodness you never used to imagine could be possible for you will start flowing your way.
But don't trust me. See for yourself. And I'd love to hear what you discover along your journey.
Lots of Love,