Self-Compassion Is Not Self-Indulgence
Awhile back I had an experience where, in a mindless moment, I blurted out something in a group setting that (understandably) triggered a big protective response from the person I said it to.
And while my intent certainly wasn't malevolent, my comment was insensitive to a tender spot in this person in this particular circumstance.
It was interesting to watch my mind's default internal response to this moment after all these years of mindfulness, loving-kindness and self-compassion practice.
I felt an internal contraction, a shame-tinged shrinking into myself, initially. My inner monologue went something like, “Oof. That definitely wasn't a necessary thing to say.” I felt badly about my mindless moment for sure…
But there wasn't a bunch of self-judgment or self-punishment layered on top of the acknowledgement that I could have been more thoughtful. There was a more objective, neutral takeaway: “Well, let's just pay more attention next time.”
That's the thing about self-compassion: It's not sweet, sappy self-indulgence.
Yes, there absolutely is a warm, soft side to self-compassion. But there's also a fierce side to it.
This side has the flavor of “I love you too much to let you wriggle your way out of owning responsibility for harm you may have caused, intentionally or otherwise.”
The fierce side of self-compassion prompts us to take full responsibility for our own regulation, words and actions.
Self-compassion doesn't let us off the hook by allowing us to slide into denial, defensiveness or blaming someone or something else for our reaction or situation.
Paradoxically, this type of honest self-assessment allows us to move forward in more useful, kind, effective ways.
Self-indulgence rationalizes with thoughts like “You don't need to apologize for that — they were just being overly sensitive” or lets us bury our head in the sand, too fragile to look our normal, human-but-flawed moments in the eye, never challenging us to own or change poor behavior.
Self-compassion, on the other hand, nudges us to repair harm we may have caused – to others or to ourself – through honest acknowledgement of our behaviors.
True self-compassion includes being willing to look ourselves in the eye and have grace for all parts of ourselves, thoughtless blurting-outs and all.
Because genuine self-compassion gives us a soft internal place of unconditional self-respect to land, where we can trust that even when we say or do something unkind or unwise, we're still whole.
True self-compassion fortifies an unshakeable, solid sense in our core of “It's OK. I can handle this. I trust myself to do the right thing."
Self–compassion is at the center of my coaching approach; I view it as an absolutely life-changing superpower once cultivated and installed in an embodied way. If you're feeling called to nurture this solid, fierce-yet-kind center within yourself, I'd love to chat with you about possibilities for coaching together. Be in touch here.
Lots of Love,