A Recipe to Alleviate Suffering
Recently my preschooler caught a virus that kept her home for three days. My system was still recovering from a different virus from weeks prior, so after she felt better but I still wasn't feeling great, I chalked it up to “old” virus residue.
Then a few days later I woke up feverish and with a cough like she'd had, and felt a flood of “Oh no - you've gotta be kidding me - this can't be ANOTHER round of sickness?!?!”
I spent that first day feeling really low, both physically and emotionally.
The emotional low was a classic case of my mind layering unnecessary suffering on top of pain.
Yes, it felt terrible to have been in a viral vortex for a month. But whether I liked it or not, it was the situation that was happening.
But the suffering that was being added, like salt in the wound, came in the form of:
a) Resistance (inner tantrum quality): “NOOOOOO!!!! I've already been sick for weeks. This can’t be happening. I don't WANT this!!”
b) Leaning into the future with anxious thoughts: “Oh no, what if we’re sick for Audrey’s birthday party this weekend and have to cancel it, she would be so sad…”
Ruminating on the past, resisting the present, and worrying about an imagined future are ways our minds grasp for a sense of certainty when things feel out of control. This makes sense.
The only problem is…
As you’ve no doubt noticed in your own experience, ruminating, resisting, and fixating don’t actually give us the control we’re seeking. Quite the contrary, in fact. The more rigidly we narrow our focus and tighten our grip against reality, the more we amplify and prolong our suffering.
It’s an illusion/delusion that fixating on something that happened in the past or worrying about something that might possibly happen in the future can actually change the present.
The present moment simply is as it is.
The more quickly and fully we can surrender into reality as it is in this moment, the less suffering we have to endure.
So when you notice your mind grasping at straws of control in this unhelpful way, you can try on the equanimity mantra I used last week to help dial back the suffering of resistance:
This is what’s happening right now.
It’s not personal.
It’s not permanent.
Firmly but kindly reminding our mind that what’s happening actually is what’s happening right now and reassuring our mind that this isn't personal — nothing you need to beat yourself up for thinking you're wrong or bad or to blame for experiencing — and isn't permanent lets that anxious part of our brain relax.
It's a way to give our brain the memo that there's nothing that actually needs to be done in this moment, so it can stop spinning trying to come up with some way to change reality.
And when we surrender into the reality of this actual moment, suffering softens.
Because Suffering = Pain x Resistance.
Less resistance = less suffering.
Where are you noticing your mind is creating some unnecessary suffering these days by resisting something that really is happening in reality?
Try on this “not personal, not permanent” mantra and see what shifts within you. (My experience of being sick softened immensely.)
Lots of Love,